




by Animal1970



Category: Star Wars
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2005-05-24
Updated: 2005-05-24
Packaged: 2013-09-10 10:59:46
Rating: T
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2408366/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/797612/Animal1970
Summary: Wedge's Birthday Party. Total Insanity





	

Wedge's Big Day Author: Haruo Nakagawa E-mail: Rating: PG-13 (mildly graphic language)  
Classification: Insane Humor Spoilers: None, except whatever comes out of Animal's demented mind.  
Summary: Wedge's Birthday Party DISCLAIMER: All characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa-Solo, Han Solo, belong to George Lucas. Mara Jade is the brain-child of Timothy Zahn and is also copyrighted to George Lucas. None of these characters are being used with the intention of making monetary gain, but just for the purposes of entertainment. 

Ganik Malan, ex-smuggler, Corellian, New Republic starfighter pilot and newest Rogue Squadron member was too hammered to see his squadron-  
mates approaching. A drink was the perfect thing to drown out the sorrows of the past few months when he had seen too many of his former squadron-  
mates killed. But now he was with Rogue Squadron, the best of the best. He lifted his glass again and was about to guide it to his mouth.

"Ho, fellow." The cheerful face of Wes Janson suddenly interposed itself between Malan's glass of Dentarian Ripple and his mouth causing him to recoil in a state of inebriated horror and choke on his last imbibed drink. "Whatcha doin?"

Malan looked blearily at his squadron-mate. "Wha-whashuwant!" he slurred, protesting... "Yoush nearly shcared the alcohol out of my shyshtym." He coughed a couple of times.

"Sorry about that." Hobbie patted Malan on the back, "But we're calling in all the Rogues."

"For what? Not a mission..." Ganik got some of his mental faculties back, while coughing the last vestiges of the misdirected alcoholic beverage properly oriented towards his stomach rather than his lungs.

"Nope." Wes grinned. "You do know Wedge, our esteemed leader, will be celebrating his birthday shortly and we, Rogues, Being worthy of that name have come up with a splendid getaway birthday celebration for the good General."

Ganik still looked confused. "C'mon..." Hobbie said as he pulled on Ganik's arm nearly spilling him to the floor, "We're burning daylight."

"Hey!" the Twi'lek barkeep yelled, "You'd best make sure Malan pays for his drink. He's already over-extended on his tab." Wes ignored the Twi'lek and guided Ganik to the door. The barkeep shouted, "Hey! Malan! I said..."

"Put it on General Antille's tab." Wes tossed back. "It's an alert." A white lie never hurt.

The Dancing Rancor was the Rogues' hangout during their off-hours. Good drinks, good food, and periodically, if time permitted, a good rousing, clear-the-stalls bar fight. What more could any self-respecting star-  
fighter jockey ask for?

It was a quick airspeeder ride back to base and the wind in Ganik's face went a long way to sobering him up. When they approached the base gate, they were met by Corran Horn and Gavin Darklighter.

"The Wraiths are here." Corran stated to Wes as he looked at Hobbie and Ganik with an eyebrow raised. Hobbie was trying to keep Ganik on his feet.

"Well, they should be here." Wes replied. "Considering they have some ties to Wedge too. We'll need all the help we can get to pull this party off."

"What about our little friend?" Hobbie asked Wes with a conspiring grin. "Did you find him?"

"Right here." Said Gavin, holding up what to Ganik's bleary eyes appeared to be a scruffy-looking, battered stuffed ewok, "None the worse for being stuck in Wes's closet..." snapping to an exaggerated attention, posing the stuffed ewok in the same manner. "Lieutenant Kettch, sir, reporting for duty."

"So any ideas on where we should take our erstwhile commander?" Wes asked, once everyone was seated.

"Somewhere we've never been before." Volunteered an anonymous Rogue.

"That's a lot of help." Grumbled Hobbie. "Where HAVEN'T we been in the last decade? I'm drawing a blank."

A sandy haired head, attached to a neck covered with the collar of a Jedi-black tunic leaned in the doorway, a hand reaching around to balance himself. "So did the meeting start without me? Wes?"

"Glad you could drop by, Luke." Hobbie quipped.

"Play a prank on my old wingman? Wouldn't miss it for the Flamewinds of Oseon." Luke came into the room, followed by none-other than his wife, Mara Jade Skywalker.

'more renowned for her assassin skills than her sense of humor.' Wes thought.

Voort saBinring, known to most of his squadron-mates and to the Rogues, as Piggy, grinned as he stated, with the help of his voicebox. "If I may venture, I believe I have seen some interesting things regarding Corellia." He paused for emphasis. "Perhaps, it would be in the best interests of both the Rogues and the Wraiths to pay a visit."

Silence descended among those who were assembled. Despite the near-  
catastrophe that had befallen most worlds with the invasion of the Yuuzhan Vong, who had been repulsed and vanquished, Corellia stood strong with Sal-Solo once again seizing the reins, but with his formation of the Freedom Party and its xenophobic platform, it was evident that nothing had changed for Thrackan Sal-Solo. He had his Corellia for Corellians movement. Well, mynocks never stopped chewing on power cables, so it was said.

"Well." Luke responded, ending an awkward silence. "We can check that out. The trick is convincing Wedge that we should go and that is what will take some doing.""

"Wes and I have some things we need to do on Etti IV so we should be back in a couple of days." Hobbie replied. "So, Luke, if you can convince Wedge to take a vacation by that time, then great."

"You got it." Luke replied.

(later on)

Han, Luke and Mara went to Wedge's quarters. Wedge greeted them. Iella was cooking dinner. Han and Mara sat down, while Luke leaned on the seat Mara was sitting on.

Han said. "It looks pretty bad on Corellia. Thrackan's got a mynock on his cables again and he's talking separatism."

"When's that unusual?" Wedge responded.

"Well..." Han replied. "he wants Corellia to leave the New Republic. He feels that there wasn't a good enough job done defending Corellia from the Yuuzhan Vong, so he's now trying to lump all aliens in with the Yuuzhan Vong."

"In other words, he's back to his old xenophobic roots again." Wedge snorted. "Did Feyl'ya ask that we scout around."

"He did say that he wanted you to take the Rogues and Wraiths and see what you can find out." Luke ventured. "If there is anything to find out."

"Not very hush-hush of an op, is it?" Wedge said sarcastically. "But with Sal-Solo's tight grip on Centerpoint, we're going to have to take a good hard look to see if it poses a threat."

Mara thoughtfully remarked. "We can make it hush-hush..." She ventured a feral grin. "If you want, I can ask Karrde to help us get in system."

"And leave our X-wings behind?" Wedge shook his head negative. He looked at Mara. "We need our X-wings, especially if we all need to make a quick exit. I don't like going into a situation where we don't have the capacity to fight back."

Mara shrugged, looking at Luke who nodded. "I guess we'll just have to call in that favor with Booster then."

(Etti IV)

"Sabodor's Fur Emporium, We have the best furs in twenty-six systems. How may I help you?" a short Rakririan, a rather insectoid sentient shopkeeper enthused as he greeted the two humans with eyestalks waving in the air and two pairs of his hands waving.

"We're looking for some party hats." Wes said as he grinned a very evil looking grin at Hobbie.

"We'd like some party hats." Hobbie echoed. "Got any exotic fur?"

"Exotic fur?" Sabodor replied, fluttering all five pairs of hands now and rotated his eyestalks indicating the racks of furs. "I have lots of furs, all non-sentient, mind you."

"I'd like 35 party hats. With real ewok fur." Wes grinned even more evilly.

Sabodor waved his hands, distressed, "I cannot help you, kind sirs. I do not deal in sentients. There is no way that I can do it without running afoul of regulations."

Wes grinned a predatory grin. "You mean, the Corporate Sector Authority has rules against slavery and trade of sentients?"

Hobbie said "I have it on good reference you used to run a pet store. What happened to it? Sabodor."

The Rakririan looked uncomfortable. "Times are tough." He replied, twirling one eyestalk then the other.

Wes snorted, "And judging from the amount of stock you got here, times are still tough for you..." he paused and said with a nasty grin. "And they're going to get tougher."

"I have it on good authority, that you received a shipment of 35 ewok-  
fur party hats in contravention of Section 32 Subsection A of the Corporate Sector Authority Code against Trade of Sentient Beings." Hobbie said ominously, with a glare that caused Sabodor to wilt visibly.

Sabodor was even more distressed when first Wes, then Hobbie slammed badges with a Corporate Sector Authority logo emblazoned in the center, onto the counter. Of course, Sabodor didn't know they were fake.

"Special Agent Filor Kantos and Special Agent Zek Plako, Corporate Sector Bureau of Investigation. Since you are in contravention of the law, we will have to seize your shipment and levy a fine. Here is a copy of your trade order with your signature so you know that we're not kidding." Wes growled at Sabodor who laid his eyestalks back upon themselves and lifted two hands up in supplication.

"It cannot be, it must be faked. They told me that it was imitation fur." Sabodor pleaded. "I will be ruined."

"Too bad, Sabodor, the shipment, where is it?" Hobbie said.

Once the shipment was safely in their hands, they exited the store, hearing Sabodor's wails fading as the door closed. "AH, I am ruined!"

"Pity we couldn't have told him we know Han." Wes remarked, as they left.

(Back at Rogue Squadron HQ)

As promised, Han and Luke visited Wes and told him that the operation bound for Corellia was a go. Wes nodded rather preoccupied with preparations for the party to be.

"Have we got the pizza order...to be delivered to where-ever we're going to be on Corellia?" Wes yelled back to Hobbie who was on the com-link.

"Ah, we got a slight problem, Wes..." Hobbie yelled back."Dominion Pizza doesn't deliver, Republic Pizza does, but their toppings stink."

"Why? Are they out of the stuff we like?" Wes asked.

Luke and Han looked at each other. "Nope, it's worse than that." Said Hobbie.

"How bad?" Wes growled.

"Bad...The only damned topping they have is Dinko meat." Hobbie yelled back. Wes groaned.

"Did you try calling someplace else?" Wes asked Hobbie, not sure if he would like the response.

"Yeah, there's only three damned pizza places in the whole blasted New Republic. I can get Zabrakian glazed goler a lot easier." Hobbie grumbled.

"What's the third pizza place?" Wes snarled.

"Imperial Pizza, and they only give discounts to ex-Imperials." Hobbie snarled back. "And their toppings suck bantha poodoo too. Actually, that may be one of their toppings!" he said sarcastically.

"We could ask Mara to make the order." Han quipped. Luke rolled his eyes.

(Enroute to Corellia, aboard the Errant Venture - 5 parsecs into the system)

"Aw poodoo." Wes growled. "General sir?" he said to Wedge.

"What is it, Janson!" Wedge growled.

"Our comlinks died." Wes reported.

"Scan the area around us." Wedge reported.

Booster brought his bulk alongside the general. "I'll give the orders on my ship, thank you, General." Wedge grinned congenially in response.

A few moments later, Booster returned with a grim look. "We're being jammed."

Wedge growled. "Jammed?"

"No working comlinks at all; the chips evidently got fried by the jamming. Even the sensor arrays are down."

"Well, Booster, we're just going to have to go in blind."

(on the ground)

"How in the hell did this broken Lambda shuttle get here." Wedge grumbled. "I nearly landed my X-wing on this."

Myn Donos looked closer. The shuttle door had stood open so they had explored the interior, blasters drawn.

"The engines don't seem to work," Myn replied. "But the radio does."

"The shuttle's ID seems to be registered to a Kirney Slane." Wedge said, his tone non-committal.

"I noticed." Myn replied cryptically. "And I also noticed that the sensor array seems to be working. Get the rest of the Rogues in here."

Once the Rogues and Wraiths were assembled in the shuttle, Myn Donos explained that since the emanating jamming sequence seemed to be coming from Coronet City. "We can get a fix on the jamming location." He stated.

"Then we can take it out?" Wedge raised an eyebrow questioningly. The Rogues and Wraiths nodded. Better to risk future diplomatic problems and eliminate the jamming location than to be stuck there with no way to communicate.

Han said with venom undisguised. "I think it's time we took Thrackan out too. I'll stay behind and monitor transmissions, maybe I can jury-rig this thing to transmit to your X-wings."

(enroute to Coronet City)

Rogue 2 looked over at Rogue Leader, because of their fried com-links, they had to use hand-signals. Rogue Leader lifted two fingers indicating two o'clock position and pointed down. Sure enough at their two o'clock was the objective, a dish pointed up-towards the heavens.

A thumbs up indicated an all-go to roll-in on the objective.

"Crap." Muttered Wes to himself as he began his run.

(back by the shuttle)

"Who are you? And what are you doing in my shuttle?"

Han whirled around to find a very perturbed "Kirney Slane" and an Ewok in flightsuit standing by them.

"Uh, I'm Han Solo." He grinned. "And you must be Kirney Slane, or Lara Notsil, if I recall correctly."

'Kirney Slane' deflated a bit, lowering her blaster.

"Lady ask you why you be in her shuttle." Came a squeaky voice from about thigh-level. Han nearly jumped. "Kolot now ask you why, since you not answer."

"Uh, we just came here to take care of some business with Thrackan Sal-  
Solo."

"The bad man?" Kolot said. "Why your last name, same as his?"

"We're, unfortunately, related. My friends decided to pay him a visit, they should be back shortly." Han replied.

The Jade Saber landed nearby causing Lara Notsil to look outside.

"Han." Luke and Mara appeared at the hatch. "Where is everyone?"

"Gone to take care of a problem."

"Oh." Luke looked quizzically at Lara Notsil who appeared beside Han at the hatch of the Lambda class shuttle.

(later)

The X-wings landed and the pilots debarked. Lara and Kolot remained hidden.

Lara said to Kolot. "Kolot, you have an opportunity to fly with the best of the best, the famous Rogue Squadron." She hung on to Lieutenant Kettch which she had stolen from Wes Janson's gear left behind.

"But Kolot like flying with you, Lara." Kolot responded, his big eyes looking at Lara, as he canted his head. "Why you not go back with me to fly together with group?"

"Because Lara did bad thing to Rogues, gave away information to Imperials. So Lara cannot go back." Lara insisted patting Kolot's shoulder. "My friend, only you have that chance to go join Rogue Squadron. You're a good pilot, you're one of the best, and you belong in a fighter, not a shuttle-craft."

"OK..." Kolot said, his voice sad. "Kolot go fly with Rogues, but not forget Lara."

"OK, I won't forget you too, Kolot, now go join the Rogues before Wes finds out that Kettch is missing. Go replace Kettch."

Kolot obediently snuck out of the forest and into Wes Janson's gear and Lara quietly slipped away.

Wes grinned quietly as he snuck into his tent to pull Lieutenant Kettch out of his pack. He reached down, when the Ewok suddenly said. "Hello."

Wes passed out.

Hearing the thud, Hobbie came into the tent to see a real live Ewok standing over Wes Janson. The Ewok looked at him and said. "Why man pass out?"

Hobbie felt light-headed. "You...you talked!"

"Yes...Kettch talk." The Ewok said. Kolot had decided, a new life, a new name.

"You...you're Kettch?"

"Yes, Kettch my name." The Ewok replied. "Why you stand with mouth wide open?"

"I...I...I...can't believe it..." Hobbie stammered.

"Kettch get real X-wing when Kettch get back to base?" Kettch asked.

"Uuh...yeah..." Hobbie stammered some more.

"Who command squadron? I ask him."

"Uh. Wedge Antilles."

"Thank you, Kettch go ask him right now." The Ewok exited the tent. Hohbie joined his friend on the floor of the tent...out cold.

Wedge stood by the clearing where the X-wings were. His friends were all enjoying the pizza that surprisingly was delivered, and secondly had good toppings. It was his birthday and he was happy that his friends were around him. He felt a tap on his thigh. "General Antilles...Kettch would speak with you." he heard a squeaky voice say.

"I'm not going to fall for that again. Wes."

Again the insistent tapping on his thigh. "Kettch would really like to speak with you."

"Janson!"

"My name Kettch, not Jan-Son." Wedge turned around. Nothing around eye-  
level.

"I down here." Wedge looked down to see a three foot high Ewok in flightsuit. "My name Kettch, want to ask General Antilles if Kettch can fly with Rogue Squadron."

"You can fly." Wedge asked wondering if the slice of pizza he had just eaten had hallucinogens in it.

"Yes, Kettch fly Lambda shuttle, Kettch trained in Tie Fighter, Kettch now want to see if he can fly X-wing." Kettch said.

"O-K." Wedge thought if he was hallucinating, this was pretty real sounding, so what the heck. "Why not." 'I'll complain about the pizza later.' Suddenly it hit him. 'He can talk too.' "Have a pizza, Kettch."

"Pizza?" Kettch asked.

"Yep," Wedge held out a slice. Kettch took it politely and took a bite.

"MMMMMM" Kettch looked approvingly at the pizza. "Kettch like pizza" scarfed the pizza down and started in on the other slices.

Wedge went to Janson's tent and kicked the two prostrate bodies "Janson! Hobbie!"

"Uh...what is it? Boss?" Janson said, sitting up, holding his head. Hobbie Klivan just groaned.

"I've got a real live talking Ewok eating pizza out there. Can anyone tell me how it came about?"

"No, sir." They both said, shaking their heads.

"Figures." Wedge snorted. "And he claims he can fly a TIE Fighter."

"Sir?"

"You do know that if I insist that they give this Ewok a chance with Rogue Squadron, that I'm going to spend the rest of my life in the FUNNY FARM!" Wedge growled ominously.

"Sir?" Wes asked.

"I'd like to find that Lieutenant Kettch doll and shove it up your -  
! Janson. Are you sure I'm not seeing things because of some hallucinetic drug in this pizza?"

"No, sir."

"I think we're about ready to go home." Wedge snarled. "I left Iella's wonderful birthday cakes for this?" He whirled around to stomp out. "Get your gear, we're heading back to Coruscant.

"Aye, sir."

As the Rogues got their gear together. A very subdued Wes Janson gathered Kettch to his X-wing.

Kettch groaned. "ooooooooooh...Kettch eat too much pizza. Kettch going to regret this later."

"Don't worry, Kettch." Wes grumbled. "You're going to like flying..."

"Flying?" Kettch groaned. "With stomach bouncing like this...Kettch much rather die first." He bent over and threw up.

Wes looked up at the sky. "Me and my big imagination."

THE END.

1st "Stuffed Ewok" Reference "Stuffed Ewok" Reference number two


End file.
